Sometimes It Just Creeps In

Not every day is a bad day, but some days it comes creeping in when you least expect it.  Today was a particularly frustrating day at work, lots of little things building up.  The end result was me crying in my home office because it hit me that I shouldn’t be stressed about stupid work things that ultimately don’t matter.  I should be on maternity leave.  Work stresses should be far from my mind.  I should be holding my little boy in my arms and enjoying our precious time together.  It brought on a wave of sadness, so I let the wave come over me as I sat there and cried.  I cried because there is nothing anyone can do to make it better.  I cried because for the rest of my life I just have to accept it and find the best way possible to deal with the overwhelming sadness. 

Wondering

I find myself often wondering what my life should be like right now.  What life as a mommy to a baby here on earth would be like?  What would I be doing right now had reality been having little Sam here with us?  Would Sam be a good sleeper?  Or would he keep mommy and daddy up all night?  I would take it either way.  I would love to be exhausted right now all because of my cuddly baby.  Would my house be a disaster of baby things everywhere?  Piles of laundry to catch up on, days of being too tired to make the bed, stinky diapers to take out, hours just spent watching my little man, afternoons snuggling on the couch with Sam and his intoxicatingly sweet baby smell, visits from family and friends.  Sam should be around 4 weeks by now.  Soon we would be planning our first outing to visit daddy at work for lunchtime and taking his one month picture.  I never got the chance to look into his eyes, hold him tight or give him kisses, but I miss him every day and all of the things that could have and should have been.

Seems Like A Simple Question

When do you plan on starting a family?  

Seems like a simple question.  People began asking me this question about 2 seconds after Ryan and I said “I do.”  From people who don’t know me well I get, “Do you have kids?” or “Do you plan on having kids?”  I know that when people ask these things they mean well.  It’s the next logical step after marriage according to society. 

2 months after I lost Sam a work colleague that I don’t see or speak with very often asked me if I plan on having kids.  He continued to go on and on about how it’s the best thing you can ever do.  Listening to him was like a knife in my heart.  I just nodded and smiled.  Explaining that my dream was shattered only 2 months ago would have made for awkward conversation.  

For most people starting a family is easy.  You make a decision it’s time for a family, a few months later you are pregnant and 9 months after that, viola you have a family.  In the bliss of their own happy families, a lot of people don’t realize the pressure and hurt that stems from asking these kinds of questions.  The woman may not want to have children.  She may not be ready for a family yet.  She may have recently experienced an early miscarriage and was never able to tell family and friends.  She could be currently trying to get pregnant.  She could have been trying for the last 5 years with no success and be hanging on to her faith by a thread.  She may be going through rounds of fertility treatment with fingers crossed that she will get her family.  She could have experienced a late term loss or still birth and struggling with grief.  She could be just like me and lost her sweet baby at 5 months into the pregnancy.

I know by writing this it’s not going to change the way the world works.  These questions will always be asked.  I can only hope that for those reading this that haven’t experienced loss you will think about it before asking these questions.  The y seem harmless, but can have a profound impact on someone without you ever knowing.

Fuel For My Anger

Every morning I watch the Today Show.  This morning, it was fuel for my anger.  The first story that came on this morning was a story about the 13,000 babies that are born each year addicted to pain killers.  These poor innocent babies are born into this world with severe tremors and inconsolable crying all because of their irresponsible mothers.  They spend a minimum of a month in the hospital and eventually go home with the same mother that caused their pain.  One mother was interviewed about how she felt guilty that 2 of her 4 children were born with a drug addiction.  Damn straight she should feel guilty.  Don't get pregnant until you get your shit together!  She should be sent straight to jail.   

As a mother your sole job is to protect your child.  As a mother it is your responsibility to take care of your body, your baby’s home for 40 weeks.  Why do these mothers deserve to have their babies here on earth with them and I don’t?   It absolutely breaks my heart that I did everything I could to keep Sam safe.  I didn’t drink, I don’t smoke.  I exercised.  I cut out caffeine.  I stayed well rested.  I avoided all the foods they tell you not to eat.  I read everything I could about pregnancy and the right things to do.  And here I sit on Sam’s due date with empty arms and a broken heart.  The universe is cruel.

Dreaded July

Last Fall I could not wait for July to get here.  Last Fall, the arrival of July meant I would be holding my sweet baby in my arms.  Now, all I want is for this dreaded month to be over.  The last couple weeks have been hard.  Facebook has been flooded with new little arrival announcements.  All of the babies that were due around the same time as Sam are here.  All of those babies are healthy and beautiful.  Their mommies and daddies hearts are full of love, joy and sleepless nights.  My heart is just sad.  I go to sleep every night and don’t get to be woken by Sam’s cries of him needing his mommy and daddy.  

This past weekend my BFF, Mandy and her girls (my mini BFFs) visited and we had a great time.  We visited the Please Touch Museum, went swimming, ran in the sprinkler and decorated our driveway with sidewalk chalk.  I was very thankful for the welcome distraction.  I didn’t have much free time to get lost in my sad thoughts of missing Sam. 

Ryan was so good with the girls.  He played with them all weekend.  I can’t help but feel like we were totally robbed when Sam was taken away from us.  Ryan would have been such a good daddy to him.  It makes me so angry that I’ll never see them drawing pictures with sidewalk chalk on the driveway.  Sam will never run through our sprinkler in the backyard.  Ryan and Sam will never play catch in the backyard and it just makes me angry.

I was unsure of what this week would bring emotionally (Sam’s due date was supposed to be Thurs 7/5).  Right now it’s just anger.  Raw, bitter anger.   

10 Years

I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since my Pap left this earth.  He was the glue that held our family together and I wish more than anything that he were still here with us.  I wish I could sit down and talk to him.  I wish I still heard the clink of ice in his Smurf glass; the smell of Pepsi will always remind me of him.  I wish I could walk out to his garage and watch him working away in his wood shop.  I wish that Ryan and all my cousins’ husbands and wives had the opportunity to know him.  I wish he were here to play with all of his great grand-children.  I can picture him laughing and inappropriately teaching them “pull my finger” and “full moon.”  I wish his time on this earth hadn’t been limited to 73 years.  I was barely an adult when he left and some of my cousins were still pretty young.  Call me selfish, but I would have liked more time with him.  We all would.  More time to tell him how much he meant to me, more time to make memories, just more time.

Pap loved to sing the Unicorn Song by the Irish Rovers.  It always made me laugh and smile because it was such a silly song.  I hope he and Sam are chasing lots of unicorns together in Heaven.  I love you Pap!


Unicorn Song

A long time ago, when the Earth was green
There was more kinds of animals than you've ever seen
They'd run around free while the Earth was being born
And the loveliest of all was the unicorn

There was green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
The loveliest of all was the unicorn

The Lord seen some sinning and it gave Him pain
And He says, "Stand back, I'm going to make it rain"
He says, "Hey Noah, I'll tell you what to do
Build me a floating zoo,
and take some of those...

Green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
Don't you forget my unicorns

Old Noah was there to answer the call
He finished up making the ark just as the rain started to fall
He marched the animals two by two
And he called out as they came through
Hey Lord,

I've got green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but Lord, I'm so forlorn
I just can't find no unicorns"

And Noah looked out through the driving rain
Them unicorns were hiding, playing silly games
Kicking and splashing while the rain was falling
Oh, them silly unicorns

There was green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Noah cried, "Close the door because the rain is falling
And we just can't wait for no unicorns"

The ark started moving, it drifted with the tide
The unicorns looked up from the rocks and they cried
And the waters came down and sort of floated them away
That's why you never see unicorns to this very day

You'll see green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
You're never gonna see no unicorns

Now you might think this is the ending to the song,
But I'll have to tell you friends that in fact you're wrong
You see, Unicorns are magical, so when the rain started pouring,
They grew themselves some wings and they took to soaring.

You'll see green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
But if you're looking for the unicorns, don't be forlorn,
The second star to the right and straight on until morning.

1st Wedding Anniversary

The biggest thing I have learned from my first year of marriage is that sometimes things are totally out of your control.  Never in a million years did I think Ryan and I would face such devastating loss in our first year of marriage.  We planned to start trying to conceive in the Fall when Ryan was almost finished with his MBA program.  Much to our surprise and delight we got pregnant with Sam right away.  All of our dreams were coming true.  Ryan was about to complete his MBA, we were enjoying our newlywed life in the city and we were getting ready to start looking for our family home in the suburbs.  

In February, life threw us a major curve ball.  The loss of Sam has changed us both.  As much as I could go back in time and do something to save Sam, to keep his little heat beating the experience of losing him has made us stronger.  We are stronger individually and stronger as a couple.  We are both better people for having those 5 short months with Sam.  He will always be our first, he will always be in our hearts and we will miss him everyday for the rest of our lives.  

Sometime grief can overshadow the good in life.  It becomes all consuming and you can easily get lost in it.  I know sometimes on here it can seem like I don’t see the good in life, but I do.  Aside from losing Sam this year, we have been very blessed.  We celebrated our wedding day with all our family and friends on a beautiful day.  We traveled to Palm Beach for our “mini-moon”, relaxed at the pool and enjoyed our time together.  Ryan traveled to Russia and Durham for school.  We got to enjoy our yearly trip to Myrtle Beach with the family.  We had the joy of seeing that little pink line telling us we were going to be parents.  We felt total happiness in sharing our news with our family and friends over the holidays that we were starting our family.  We were blessed with the overwhelming amount of love and support of all of our family and friends over the past 4 months after losing Sam.  Most recently we purchased our very first home where I have faith that we will on day get to raise Sam’s little brothers and/or sisters here.

I am very blessed to have found such a loving, supportive and caring husband.  There is no one else I would want to walk through this messy life with.