Sometimes It Just Creeps In

Not every day is a bad day, but some days it comes creeping in when you least expect it.  Today was a particularly frustrating day at work, lots of little things building up.  The end result was me crying in my home office because it hit me that I shouldn’t be stressed about stupid work things that ultimately don’t matter.  I should be on maternity leave.  Work stresses should be far from my mind.  I should be holding my little boy in my arms and enjoying our precious time together.  It brought on a wave of sadness, so I let the wave come over me as I sat there and cried.  I cried because there is nothing anyone can do to make it better.  I cried because for the rest of my life I just have to accept it and find the best way possible to deal with the overwhelming sadness. 

Wondering

I find myself often wondering what my life should be like right now.  What life as a mommy to a baby here on earth would be like?  What would I be doing right now had reality been having little Sam here with us?  Would Sam be a good sleeper?  Or would he keep mommy and daddy up all night?  I would take it either way.  I would love to be exhausted right now all because of my cuddly baby.  Would my house be a disaster of baby things everywhere?  Piles of laundry to catch up on, days of being too tired to make the bed, stinky diapers to take out, hours just spent watching my little man, afternoons snuggling on the couch with Sam and his intoxicatingly sweet baby smell, visits from family and friends.  Sam should be around 4 weeks by now.  Soon we would be planning our first outing to visit daddy at work for lunchtime and taking his one month picture.  I never got the chance to look into his eyes, hold him tight or give him kisses, but I miss him every day and all of the things that could have and should have been.