Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Seems Like A Simple Question

When do you plan on starting a family?  

Seems like a simple question.  People began asking me this question about 2 seconds after Ryan and I said “I do.”  From people who don’t know me well I get, “Do you have kids?” or “Do you plan on having kids?”  I know that when people ask these things they mean well.  It’s the next logical step after marriage according to society. 

2 months after I lost Sam a work colleague that I don’t see or speak with very often asked me if I plan on having kids.  He continued to go on and on about how it’s the best thing you can ever do.  Listening to him was like a knife in my heart.  I just nodded and smiled.  Explaining that my dream was shattered only 2 months ago would have made for awkward conversation.  

For most people starting a family is easy.  You make a decision it’s time for a family, a few months later you are pregnant and 9 months after that, viola you have a family.  In the bliss of their own happy families, a lot of people don’t realize the pressure and hurt that stems from asking these kinds of questions.  The woman may not want to have children.  She may not be ready for a family yet.  She may have recently experienced an early miscarriage and was never able to tell family and friends.  She could be currently trying to get pregnant.  She could have been trying for the last 5 years with no success and be hanging on to her faith by a thread.  She may be going through rounds of fertility treatment with fingers crossed that she will get her family.  She could have experienced a late term loss or still birth and struggling with grief.  She could be just like me and lost her sweet baby at 5 months into the pregnancy.

I know by writing this it’s not going to change the way the world works.  These questions will always be asked.  I can only hope that for those reading this that haven’t experienced loss you will think about it before asking these questions.  The y seem harmless, but can have a profound impact on someone without you ever knowing.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Fuel For My Anger

Every morning I watch the Today Show.  This morning, it was fuel for my anger.  The first story that came on this morning was a story about the 13,000 babies that are born each year addicted to pain killers.  These poor innocent babies are born into this world with severe tremors and inconsolable crying all because of their irresponsible mothers.  They spend a minimum of a month in the hospital and eventually go home with the same mother that caused their pain.  One mother was interviewed about how she felt guilty that 2 of her 4 children were born with a drug addiction.  Damn straight she should feel guilty.  Don't get pregnant until you get your shit together!  She should be sent straight to jail.   

As a mother your sole job is to protect your child.  As a mother it is your responsibility to take care of your body, your baby’s home for 40 weeks.  Why do these mothers deserve to have their babies here on earth with them and I don’t?   It absolutely breaks my heart that I did everything I could to keep Sam safe.  I didn’t drink, I don’t smoke.  I exercised.  I cut out caffeine.  I stayed well rested.  I avoided all the foods they tell you not to eat.  I read everything I could about pregnancy and the right things to do.  And here I sit on Sam’s due date with empty arms and a broken heart.  The universe is cruel.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Dreaded July

Last Fall I could not wait for July to get here.  Last Fall, the arrival of July meant I would be holding my sweet baby in my arms.  Now, all I want is for this dreaded month to be over.  The last couple weeks have been hard.  Facebook has been flooded with new little arrival announcements.  All of the babies that were due around the same time as Sam are here.  All of those babies are healthy and beautiful.  Their mommies and daddies hearts are full of love, joy and sleepless nights.  My heart is just sad.  I go to sleep every night and don’t get to be woken by Sam’s cries of him needing his mommy and daddy.  

This past weekend my BFF, Mandy and her girls (my mini BFFs) visited and we had a great time.  We visited the Please Touch Museum, went swimming, ran in the sprinkler and decorated our driveway with sidewalk chalk.  I was very thankful for the welcome distraction.  I didn’t have much free time to get lost in my sad thoughts of missing Sam. 

Ryan was so good with the girls.  He played with them all weekend.  I can’t help but feel like we were totally robbed when Sam was taken away from us.  Ryan would have been such a good daddy to him.  It makes me so angry that I’ll never see them drawing pictures with sidewalk chalk on the driveway.  Sam will never run through our sprinkler in the backyard.  Ryan and Sam will never play catch in the backyard and it just makes me angry.

I was unsure of what this week would bring emotionally (Sam’s due date was supposed to be Thurs 7/5).  Right now it’s just anger.  Raw, bitter anger.