I knew this morning when I woke up that today was going to be a challenge. Usually I'm pretty good about dragging myself out of bed and getting things accomplished. Today was not one of those days. It was gloomy out and it pretty much fit the way I felt. At 2:30 I finally forced myself in the shower because we had two birthday parties to go to.
It was good seeing family at our cousin's two year old's birthday party. We hadn't seen anyone since we lost Sam and the extra hugs today felt good. I still struggled with keeping it together though. I don't think I did a very good job keeping up conversation. It was also tough because there was a baby there. He was only around 6 months or so but I had to fight back tears knowing that we'd never see Sam at that age rolling around on the floor, happy and smiling. I made it through though.
Our next stop was a friend's birthday gathering, just a small group of friends at their house. On the drive over I re-collected myself and was looking forward to catching up with everyone we hadn't seen since over the holidays. I already knew I feared being in the same room as a pregnant woman, but I was not expecting the affect a tiny, sweet little newborn would have on me. At first Ryan and I didn't notice him as we went around giving hugs hello. I sat down on the couch and that's when it felt like the wind was knocked out of me. Never, have I felt this out of control. It felt like the walls were suddenly closing in on me. There in front of me was everything I knew I would not have in my own arms 14 weeks from now, a sweet little baby boy. I went to the bathroom to try to collect myself and attempt to not be the freak that can't keep it together around a baby. After I collected myself I came back out, it didn't help. The walls were still closing in and people were talking to me but I have no idea what they were saying. All I knew was that I needed to get out. So, less then fifteen minutes after arriving we were gone.
I feel weak that I couldn't keep it together and that I was clearly a ticking time bomb in front of our friends. It's embarrassing to not have any control over your emotions when you aren't in the safety of your own home. I feel terrible that this nice couple was enjoying a night out with their newborn baby and they had to witness me in action. I feel terrible that I most definitely made everyone around me feel uncomfortable as they watched me slowly meltdown before walking out the door without being able to say goodbye. I debated with myself about writing this because not everyday is this awful, but the truth is there are dark days. It's all part of the grieving process and if I'm going to help myself and hopefully others along the way I need to include it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. Hopefully tomorrow will be more good, less ugly.