I’ve been particularly hesitant lately to write about my feelings on pregnancy announcements and recent births because I’m afraid to upset anyone else. Both have had a huge affect on my emotional state and this is my spot for healing and sharing with other baby loss moms. So, just know that my intention is not to make anyone feel bad.
Until recently I thought that seeing or being around pregnant women would be the worst thing ever, but it’s not. Seeing beautiful, healthy babies enter this world has been heart-wrenching. Again, I’ll re-iterate that I am beyond happy for the new parents that their babies have entered this world and are happy, healthy and extremely loved. The heart-wrenching part is knowing that I won’t have that experience with Sam. I will never experience delivering him. I will never experience him being laid on my chest after being born or watching Ryan cut his cord. I’ll never have a Mommy and Sam picture in our hospital bed. I’ll never have a proud poppa picture of Ryan holding Sam all wrapped up in his hospital blanket. I’ll never have a picture of our family of 3. I’ll never have those cute pictures of “I’m xx months today.” I’ll never get to dress him up in cute little outfits. I’ll never get to be exhausted from night time feedings. I’ll never get to smother him with kisses. I’ll never have snuggle time. Ryan and Sam will never get Daddy, son time lying on the couch watching the Phillies. It just breaks my heart into a million little pieces. I miss my Sam so much and tell him everyday how much I love him and wish he were still growing in my belly.
It’s also extremely hard to hear new announcements that friends are expecting their little bundle of joy. That doesn’t by any means mean that I don’t want to be told. Life goes on. I am at an age where everyone I know is having babies. I know it’s really hard to tell someone who just lost their child that you are expecting. I had to do it when I announced I was pregnant with Sam. It broke my heart to know I was making someone else sad. If you are reading this and someday have to tell someone you are pregnant after they’ve experienced loss, I have just a few tips. Tell her one on one instead of in a group. Understand that she may need space. There may be days she can’t be around you or can’t talk to you. It’s not because she’s mad at you. She’s just having a hard time dealing with her loss.
I’ve definitely learned that there is no escaping all of these babies and pregnancies. I think I would need to move to a secluded island free of modern technology. I’m sure eventually I will just get used to it. For now, every time I log onto Facebook, read a gossip magazine or turn on the TV I brace myself. Every celebrity is pregnant and plastered all over People and US Weekly. Facebook is swarming with pregnancy announcements and new babies. Facebook even has a fun functionality that if one of my friends comments on a non-mutual friends photo of a new baby or baby bump it pops up in my news feed…great! And don’t get me started on TV shows. Even Ryan has noticed that every show has someone pregnant. The worst is Glee…why on earth did they need to have Sue Sylvester get pregnant??? Really????
I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I really hope that one day I can look at pictures or hold a baby and not feel total sadness. I know the pain will always be there, but I have to believe that eventually the pain won’t be as intense.