Monday, April 8, 2013

March for Babies

According to the March of Dimes, in the United States, 1 in 9 babies is born prematurely.  Babies born just a few weeks early are at risk for severe problems and lifelong disabilities.  

Since losing Sam, I have felt helpless.  We don’t know the reason he is not with us, no reason was ever found. Losing Sam made me realize how very precious life is.  This is why I have chosen to support the March of Dimes and participate in the March for Babies this year in Pittsburgh on June 2nd.  Over the next couple months I will be focusing on raising money for the March of Dimes for stronger, healthy babies.  All babies deserve the best chance possible for survival.  Please consider making a donation through the link below. 

Saturday, February 16, 2013

365 Days in Heaven

Dear Sam –

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year, 365 days without you.  365 days that you have been in Heaven.  365 days that I haven’t had you here with me. 365 days that I’ve missed you more than words can ever say.  365 days that I’ve wished I could hold you and smother you with kisses.  365 days of memories we missed out on.  365 days that my heart has ached for you. 

This is Mommy’s new favorite picture.  It’s the closest I’ll ever come to having both of my boys together here.  Your little brother Owen is taking good care of your teddy bear for you.  And I know you are watching out for him from up above.

Mommy loves you and misses you every minute of every single day. 


Friday, January 25, 2013


It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  I’m in a very weird place.  I continue to grieve the loss of my first son and at the same time I’m excitedly expecting the arrival of my second son.  I also find it hard to use this blog space.  It is Sam’s place and it is a place I want others who are grieving loss to be able to come and relate.  I don’t know how to mingle my grief and how much I miss Sam with the happiness his baby brother is bringing me.

February is quickly approaching.  I’m over the moon with anticipation of Baby H’s arrival, but this also means we are quickly approaching the fact that Sam has been in Heaven for almost 12 months.  We’ve missed out on so much of what could have been had he lived, first smiles, first laugh, first family vacation, first experience with solid food, sitting up, all day snuggles and so much more.  I see babies born over the summer and it just breaks my heart that my Sam should be doing all the things they are doing, but he's not.

I’m so afraid with the arrival of Baby H, that February 16th will pass me by.  I really hope it doesn’t. I also don’t know what to call Feb 16th.  He wasn’t by medical terms born into this world, so birthday doesn’t sound right.  It was the day we found out his little heart stopped beating, maybe not the exact day it stopped, but within a few days.  The best I can wrap my head around  it is that it is when he was born into Heaven, so birthday may actually be fitting in a different sense.

If Heaven Birthdays do exist, then I know Sam’s Grandmom has something special planned for my baby boy complete with decorations, cake and lots of presents.  As much as I miss him and wish he were here I take comfort that he is with people that were very special to Ryan and me.