March for Babies

According to the March of Dimes, in the United States, 1 in 9 babies is born prematurely.  Babies born just a few weeks early are at risk for severe problems and lifelong disabilities.  

Since losing Sam, I have felt helpless.  We don’t know the reason he is not with us, no reason was ever found. Losing Sam made me realize how very precious life is.  This is why I have chosen to support the March of Dimes and participate in the March for Babies this year in Pittsburgh on June 2^nd.  Over the next couple months I will be focusing on raising money for the March of Dimes for stronger, healthy babies.  All babies deserve the best chance possible for survival.  Please consider making a donation through the link below. 

http://www.marchforbabies.org/Amh391

365 Days in Heaven

Dear Sam –

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year, 365 days without you.  365 days that you have been in Heaven.  365 days that I haven’t had you here with me. 365 days that I’ve missed you more than words can ever say.  365 days that I’ve wished I could hold you and smother you with kisses.  365 days of memories we missed out on.  365 days that my heart has ached for you. 

This is Mommy’s new favorite picture.  It’s the closest I’ll ever come to having both of my boys together here.  Your little brother Owen is taking good care of your teddy bear for you.  And I know you are watching out for him from up above.

Mommy loves you and misses you every minute of every single day. 

Love,

Mommy

February

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  I’m in a very weird place.  I continue to grieve the loss of my first son and at the same time I’m excitedly expecting the arrival of my second son.  I also find it hard to use this blog space.  It is Sam’s place and it is a place I want others who are grieving loss to be able to come and relate.  I don’t know how to mingle my grief and how much I miss Sam with the happiness his baby brother is bringing me.

February is quickly approaching.  I’m over the moon with anticipation of Baby H’s arrival, but this also means we are quickly approaching the fact that Sam has been in Heaven for almost 12 months.  We’ve missed out on so much of what could have been had he lived, first smiles, first laugh, first family vacation, first experience with solid food, sitting up, all day snuggles and so much more.  I see babies born over the summer and it just breaks my heart that my Sam should be doing all the things they are doing, but he's not.

I’m so afraid with the arrival of Baby H, that February 16^th will pass me by.  I really hope it doesn’t. I also don’t know what to call Feb 16^th.  He wasn’t by medical terms born into this world, so birthday doesn’t sound right.  It was the day we found out his little heart stopped beating, maybe not the exact day it stopped, but within a few days.  The best I can wrap my head around  it is that it is when he was born into Heaven, so birthday may actually be fitting in a different sense.

If Heaven Birthdays do exist, then I know Sam’s Grandmom has something special planned for my baby boy complete with decorations, cake and lots of presents.  As much as I miss him and wish he were here I take comfort that he is with people that were very special to Ryan and me.  

What I'm Thankful For

It’s been a really tough year.  Beyond losing Sam my family has had  a few too many medical scares.  There has been a black cloud looming above us.  I’m really looking forward to the end of 2012 and it can’t come fast enough.  However, considering this is the time of year we should all be considering what we are thankful for, I wanted to focus on the good.  Despite how hard this year has been, I am thankful for so many things.

I am thankful for my amazing husband and our marriage.  Our first year of marriage came with the loss of our first child.  Even though we both grieve differently we have always been there for each other and have held each other up.  We continue to put one foot in front of the other.  He reminds me every day to look at the good in life, to be kind to others and to smile.  I love him more and more every day. 

I am thankful that Sam made me a Momma this year.  I realize that some have a hard time understanding this because I never got to hold him, snuggle him, smother him with kisses, rock him to sleep or do all of the things of conventional motherhood.   I love him all the same and long for all of those missed moments.  I’ll forever cherish the 5 months I carried him and look forward to the day I get to be with him again in heaven.

I am thankful for this handsome little man. 

He gives me hope for the future.  I pray every single day, more than I’ve ever prayed in my life, that he remains healthy and continues to grow big and strong.  I long for the day I get to hold him in my arms.  I can hardly believe he will be here in less than 3 months.

I am thankful for my family: my parents, brother, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins.  We are lucky enough to be a close knit bunch.  We’re always there for each other, we make time for each other, we’re supportive, we don’t criticize, we always forgive, we don’t hold grudges, we laugh together and we always have fun together.  I think Pap would be very proud of us.

I am thankful for my friends.  This year I realized how lucky I was to have such wonderful friends to support me when I needed it most, whether it was spending time together, phone calls, texts, emails or giving me the space I needed to work on healing.  I truly appreciate everyone just being there.  I can only hope that I am just as good a friend to them in return.