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We’ve had a very busy week getting settled in our new house.  Things are mostly put away and our home is everything I’ve dreamed of.  It’s absolutely perfect except for one thing that is missing, Sam.  Even though Sam will never grow up in this house I feel closer to him here than I did living in our apartment in the city.  I feel like this is where we are meant to be.  Sam’s things have their place upstairs in the “Hope Closet” and the room that was meant for him is a color that will always make me smile and think of him, yellow and full of sunshine.  I still grieve in some way everyday, but I can honestly say I feel more at peace here.  My new favorite spot to sit, relax and think is our front porch.  I spent some time there this afternoon thinking about how lucky I am to be living this life despite the hurdles that have been thrown my way.  I know the sad days aren’t totally over, but I hope for more days like today.

Sam's Things

I didn’t realize how many things we had accumulated for Sam until I opened the box of things we packed up 3 months ago today.  He was already spoiled by his parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles.  He had a small library of books, all ready for mommy and daddy to read to him.  He had his first Halloween costume (a monkey) and first Christmas sleepers all lined up.  He had his first Steelers, Eagles, Duke, Penn State and Phillies outfits ready and waiting.  He had his very own Kermit just like Daddy did when he was little and a pile of other toys to play with. 

Even though the room that was meant for Sam will be a guest room the closet in that room will now be deemed the “Hope Closet.”  Hope that someday Sam will have a little brother or sister that will be able to put all his wonderful things to use.  Hope that someday his little brother or sister will snuggle with Kermit and read each book over and over again.  Hope that one day mine and Ryan’s hearts won’t hurt quite so much, our arms won’t feel so empty and we’ll be able to love a child here on earth.  

It’s weird the things that make me cry and the things that I can surprisingly handle.  I didn’t cry when I unpacked all of Sam’s things and put them in the closet.  It felt like I was placing them exactly where they belong.  I did cry this morning in the car though listening to the Brad Paisley song, “Anything Like Me.”  He sings about finding out he is having a son and how he’s in big trouble if he’s anything like him.  It’s a sweet song by a dad.  It made me so sad.  It made me think of how I would have loved to watch Sam grow up and be just like his daddy.  When the song was over, my moment of tears was over too.  I know a lot of people have been worried about me lately, but I’m okay.  There are happy moments, okay moments, moments of sadness and moments where the tears come.  All I can do is take the moments as they come and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is going to suck.  I know that I will be extremely sad on Sunday.  I’m sad pretty much everyday, but I know Sunday will make me miss Sam even more than I already do and it will make my empty arms and broken heart ache.  Never in a million years did I think that on my first Mother’s Day that my baby would be in Heaven and not growing away in my belly.  I should be 8 weeks away from holding Sam in my arms; instead I’ve been missing him like crazy for 12.  I would not trade the short time I had with Sam growing inside of me for the world.  He will always be my first child, the child who made me a mother.  Sam, I can’t thank you enough for coming into my life and showing me a whole new kind of love.  I love you more than words can ever say and will miss you always.

In light of all the sadness, I am very thankful this Mother’s Day though for one very important reason.  I have the most amazing mother a girl could ask for.  My mom is everything I hope to be one day when I have the opportunity to mother a child here on this earth.  She is kind, patient, loving, caring and every other good word you can find in the dictionary.  So many times I have seen her put others before herself.  She is always making sure that everyone around her is taken care of.  These past few months have been extremely hard for me losing Sam and she has been there for me every step of the way, loving me, listening to me rant and rave when I’m angry and cry when I’m sad.  As Sam’s Nana, I know she loves and misses him very much too.  Thank you Mom, from the bottom of my heart for always being there for me and loving me only as a mother can.  I love you very much.

Happy-Sad

Happy-sad is new word I’m adding to my vocabulary.  I think it best describes most days.  I’ve spoken a lot about it when I refer to hearing of a new pregnancy or a new baby being born.  Happy because it’s a wonderful and exciting event but sad because it’s a reminder of what I’ll never have with Sam.  It seems to apply to everything these days.  I can’t escape a single day without the feeling of sadness even though other things make me happy.

Yesterday was a huge happy-sad moment.  Ryan and I closed on our first house.  It’s happy because it’s our new home and we can build our lives there and make lots of memories.  We can’t wait to have family and friends over and celebrate holidays there and sit on our back deck in the summertime and just enjoy life.     It’s sad because it already feels empty.  I was pregnant with Sam when we found the house and knew right away that this was the home we wanted to raise our son in.  We had already decided which room would be Sam’s.  I want so badly to be planning his nursery, picking out his furniture and hanging all his baby clothes in his closet.  It breaks my heart that there will be no nursery, just another guest room.  I’m scared beyond belief that we’ll have this big home with lots of rooms for children and never get to fill them.  Since we lost Sam I’m no longer full of optimism and positive thoughts.  I now carry a plan for the worst mentality that I can’t quite shake.  In the past I would have been like a kid at Christmas knowing that we were closing on the house, but that’s not me anymore.  I didn’t have faith that the house would be ours until the keys were in our hand and we started unloading boxes.  With Sam I didn’t think anything other than that we would be bringing him home with us in July.  I wish I could have better prepared myself for the worst, but how can you?

I know this post sounds totally negative, and I’m trying my best to be less negative.  God is making it a little difficult though with whatever his plan is.  Countless people have told me over the past couple months that God has a plan.  It’s kind of starting to bug me because currently his plan seems to be to hang a black cloud over my family.  First, we lost Sam.  Then on the day of my surgery my grandmother had a heart attack.  And on Sunday, my aunt and uncle that I’m very close to were in a motorcycle accident.  We are so very thankful that circumstances aren’t worse, but they are both still in the hospital with multiple injuries to each of them.  I don’t think my heart or the rest of my family’s hearts can take much more breaking.  I’m having a hard time keeping the faith right now. 

On a positive note, how can I not be somewhat happy sitting on the balcony in Fort Lauderdale looking out at the ocean?  Being on any beach is one of my favorite things in the world, even if I am here for work not fun.  The sound of the ocean relaxes me.  I’ll feel even better once I have a chance to get down there and stick my toes in the sand.