February

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  I’m in a very weird place.  I continue to grieve the loss of my first son and at the same time I’m excitedly expecting the arrival of my second son.  I also find it hard to use this blog space.  It is Sam’s place and it is a place I want others who are grieving loss to be able to come and relate.  I don’t know how to mingle my grief and how much I miss Sam with the happiness his baby brother is bringing me.

February is quickly approaching.  I’m over the moon with anticipation of Baby H’s arrival, but this also means we are quickly approaching the fact that Sam has been in Heaven for almost 12 months.  We’ve missed out on so much of what could have been had he lived, first smiles, first laugh, first family vacation, first experience with solid food, sitting up, all day snuggles and so much more.  I see babies born over the summer and it just breaks my heart that my Sam should be doing all the things they are doing, but he's not.

I’m so afraid with the arrival of Baby H, that February 16^th will pass me by.  I really hope it doesn’t. I also don’t know what to call Feb 16^th.  He wasn’t by medical terms born into this world, so birthday doesn’t sound right.  It was the day we found out his little heart stopped beating, maybe not the exact day it stopped, but within a few days.  The best I can wrap my head around  it is that it is when he was born into Heaven, so birthday may actually be fitting in a different sense.

If Heaven Birthdays do exist, then I know Sam’s Grandmom has something special planned for my baby boy complete with decorations, cake and lots of presents.  As much as I miss him and wish he were here I take comfort that he is with people that were very special to Ryan and me.