When do you plan on starting a family?
Seems like a simple question. People began asking me this question about 2
seconds after Ryan and I said “I do.” From
people who don’t know me well I get, “Do you have kids?” or “Do you plan on
having kids?” I know that when people ask
these things they mean well. It’s the
next logical step after marriage according to society.
2 months after I lost Sam a work colleague that I don’t
see or speak with very often asked me if I plan on having kids. He continued to go on and on about how it’s
the best thing you can ever do. Listening
to him was like a knife in my heart. I
just nodded and smiled. Explaining that
my dream was shattered only 2 months ago would have made for awkward conversation.
For most people starting a family is easy. You make a decision it’s time for a family, a
few months later you are pregnant and 9 months after that, viola you have a
family. In the bliss of their own happy
families, a lot of people don’t realize the pressure and hurt that stems from
asking these kinds of questions. The
woman may not want to have children. She
may not be ready for a family yet. She
may have recently experienced an early miscarriage and was never able to tell
family and friends. She could be
currently trying to get pregnant. She
could have been trying for the last 5 years with no success and be hanging on to
her faith by a thread. She may be going through rounds of fertility treatment with fingers crossed that she will get her family. She could have
experienced a late term loss or still birth and struggling with grief. She could be just like me and lost her sweet
baby at 5 months into the pregnancy.
I know by writing this it’s not going to change the way
the world works. These questions will
always be asked. I can only hope that
for those reading this that haven’t experienced loss you will think about it
before asking these questions. The y
seem harmless, but can have a profound impact on someone without you ever
knowing.
I am so sorry that you were asked this question. I wish others would think before speaking. I have learned over the last several years not to ask any type of question like this! I know before IF & our loss, I did not realize how hurtful the question could be. I often feel guilty if I hurt anyone by asking such questions earlier in my life. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you Leslie.
ReplyDeleteThose questions make me catch my breath these days... it's hard to give any sort of answer without my heart breaking at either glossing over the issue or revealing the loss. How are you hanging in Amber? I was thinking of you while I've been away. This month sucks on so many levels. I have good friends who are delivering their beautiful, healthy babies and it is making life hurt that much more right now. I'll never understand why we don't get to have our beautiful children in our lives. :( Sending support your way!!
ReplyDelete