Dreaded July

Last Fall I could not wait for July to get here.  Last Fall, the arrival of July meant I would be holding my sweet baby in my arms.  Now, all I want is for this dreaded month to be over.  The last couple weeks have been hard.  Facebook has been flooded with new little arrival announcements.  All of the babies that were due around the same time as Sam are here.  All of those babies are healthy and beautiful.  Their mommies and daddies hearts are full of love, joy and sleepless nights.  My heart is just sad.  I go to sleep every night and don’t get to be woken by Sam’s cries of him needing his mommy and daddy.  

This past weekend my BFF, Mandy and her girls (my mini BFFs) visited and we had a great time.  We visited the Please Touch Museum, went swimming, ran in the sprinkler and decorated our driveway with sidewalk chalk.  I was very thankful for the welcome distraction.  I didn’t have much free time to get lost in my sad thoughts of missing Sam. 

Ryan was so good with the girls.  He played with them all weekend.  I can’t help but feel like we were totally robbed when Sam was taken away from us.  Ryan would have been such a good daddy to him.  It makes me so angry that I’ll never see them drawing pictures with sidewalk chalk on the driveway.  Sam will never run through our sprinkler in the backyard.  Ryan and Sam will never play catch in the backyard and it just makes me angry.

I was unsure of what this week would bring emotionally (Sam’s due date was supposed to be Thurs 7/5).  Right now it’s just anger.  Raw, bitter anger.