A Ton of Bricks

This past weekend Ryan and I spent a wonderful weekend at Disney World to celebrate a family friend’s birthday.  We enjoyed great company, good food and went to Epcot for the Food & Wine Festival.

It’s been awhile since I’ve lost control of my emotions in a public place and been so caught off guard.  At Epcot we decided it would be worth the wait to stand in line at Character Spot so we could get our picture with Mickey, Minnie and the gang.  Being in Disney there were kids and babies all over the place.  None of them seemed to faze me until I spotted an adorable little boy in line with his mom and dad.  Being in line for almost an hour we passed by this family quite a few times.  Not long into the wait, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  This little boy was right around the 3 months, Sam should be right around 3 months.  My mind began to race.  We should be in line with Sam and he should be about that little boy’s age and size.  He should be in my arms with his cute little chubby legs hanging out of his onesie.  We should be standing here as a family waiting for our pictures with Mickey.  It took everything in me to not let the tears run down my face.  A few crept out and streamed down my cheek.  I couldn’t even form the words to explain to Ryan why I was crying at Disney World.  If I would have, the tears would have free flowed from my eyes to say it out loud how much I was missing Sam at that moment. 

At the same time I struggled with missing Sam.  Beyond my anxiety of my current pregnancy having a happy ending it’s a constant emotional struggle.  If Sam were here, this precious little one growing inside me wouldn’t exist.  I’ve read so many stories of women feeling guilt in subsequent pregnancies.  For the first time I experienced it.  I felt guilty missing Sam.  I know that there will never be a reason why Sam is gone and it’s no one’s fault.  It’s the weird reality that I live in, to miss a son I’ll never meet here on Earth while waiting for the moment I get to hold my second baby in my arms.  I should never feel guilty for missing Sam.  I just need to keep reminding myself of that.