Walk to Remember

On Sunday I participated in Walk to Remember organized by Share of Lancaster.  I really wish that Philly had an organization like this, but I have yet to find one.  It was a beautiful day and I’m really glad I was able to be there with my mom and brother.  I didn’t know what to expect from the day other than a walk.  I was surprised by the program of events and maybe even a little emotionally unprepared. 

The walk kicked off with a dove release.  I’ve never seen this before and it was beautiful to see the white doves circling the park as we walked around the ponds.  Following the walk there was a memorial service where a keynote speaker spoke about loss and grief.  It was overwhelming to be surrounded by so many women and their families that have lost their babies and have had to walk through life with the constant grief, pain and longing for their child.  I experienced a strange mix of emotions.  I was sad because Sam isn’t here with me, but I was also angry because I know how painful it is and seeing all of those women reminded me how unfair it really is to not just me but all of these women.  I was angry for every other mommy and daddy there that has felt the same pain as me.  No one should ever have to say goodbye to their child.  At the end of the service a pastor read the names of all of the babies and a candle was lit for each one.  There were so many names, so many sweet babies gone too soon.   It’s just not fair.

I know I haven’t written in quite some time.  I’ve been in a strange place when it comes to my grief.  We are currently awaiting the arrival of Sam’s little brother or sister in early February.  I miss Sam every single minute of every day.  He has a big job right now watching over his sibling and his mommy and daddy. 

I’m consumed with fears and anxieties of something going wrong with this pregnancy mixed with missing Sam.  It’s been an overwhelming 23 weeks so far.  We are constantly comparing and longing for things to be different.  So far, they have been.  We have made it past our anatomy scan with good results.  Thankfully, my doctor and nurse have been beyond supportive and understanding, especially considering I usually end up calling them weekly for one panic or another.  

I’m trying my best to enjoy this pregnancy and not distance myself from the little one growing inside of me.  At first it wasn’t so easy, but I am now finding it so hard not to start planning his/her life.  I can’t help but buy cute little outfits and things for the nursery.  I guess that is a sign that my faith is stronger than my fear.  That’s something I try to focus on daily, having faith that this time will be very different.  I pray every single day that this little one will be healthy and come home with us in February.