Grace, Courage & Strength

Grace, courage and strength are words I’ve heard a lot lately.  I am proud to embrace and embody these words.  It would be very easy for me to sit at home everyday in my jammies and cry locking the rest of the world out.  Believe me, some days I would really like to do this.  There are two reasons I don’t.  The first and most important reason is that although I need my time to grieve I want to honor the memory of my baby.  Nothing I do will bring him back, so each morning I get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Even though my little one is not here with me on Earth, as a mother, I’m not going to let him down.  The other reason is that it is not in my nature to shut down, shut people out or give up hope.  This is why I’ve chosen to share my journey with people. 

A few weeks or days (can’t quite remember) before we lost our baby, Ryan and I were both reading in bed.  I’m always reading some fiction girly fluff book, while he reads his smarty pants non-fiction books.  This particular night I don’t remember what book he was reading, but he stopped after a certain point and was giving me one of his usual recaps.  The story was about a study that shows even if you are not happy, if you pretend to be happy then real happiness will soon follow.  There must be some truth to that and I think Ryan has been putting embodying it.  Even though times pretty much suck right now he comes home from work everyday with a smile on his face.  I’m not as good at this as he is, but he makes it pretty darn hard for me not to smile too.  He is truly the man behind my grace, courage and strength.  He keeps me going.  While he is feeling his own grief and sadness he is always there for me and always behind me.  I’m so thankful we found each other to go through this life together.

I know I’m getting way ahead of myself, but my biggest fear for the future is of this happening all over again.  It’s not impossible.  I’ve read enough blogs and heard enough stories to know that we could find ourselves in that 1% again.  I know God has a plan for all of us.  I really just hope upon hope and pray that the tough times Ryan and I have both been through are enough for two people in one lifetime.   I’m putting every bit of my strength into this tough time and I’m not quite sure what I’ll have left in me.  Will this courage and strength carry over if there’s a next time?  I sure hope we never have to find out.