Fear of the Unknown

I recently started running again mostly because of the desperate need to get rid of the 5 pounds and 3 waist inches of baby weight.  It’s just another sad reminder that Sam is in Heaven instead of growing inside my belly.  I also do it because it’s time to be alone with my thoughts uninterrupted.  Usually, a run leads to me writing on this blog, which is why I’m writing 2 days in a row.

Today I thought about my fear of the unknown.  For those of you who know me, you know that patience is not a virtue of mine.  I’m also a planner and like to be in control of things.  These days, I feel like I have control of nothing.  On the outside it may seem that I have it together, but everyday on the inside I’m jumping up and down like a 3 year old screaming, “IT’S NOT FAIR.  IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!!!”  The funny thing about that is in my family we joke about that exact same quote.  When my younger brother was around 3 years old he was having a major meltdown because he wasn’t allowed to do or have something.  To this day none of us remember what the tantrum was about, but we laugh thinking about him jumping up and down like a maniac screaming over and over again, “IT’S NOT FAIR!  IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!”  We’ll, I feel you 3 year old Mart!

I know that my future holds sweet little babies.  I know that I am destined to be a parent not only to Sam in Heaven, but also here on earth.  We’ll have children whether Ryan and I bring them into the world ourselves or adopt a beautiful child that needs loving parents, maybe even both.  My struggle is taking things as they come and not being able to plan it all out.  So, I don’t pray everyday that God let’s us have babies.  I pray that I have the strength and patience for whatever my future holds.  Who knows, maybe by this time next year we’ll be holding our second child in our arms or maybe we will still be waiting for our rainbow.  Either way, I pray that I don’t drive myself and Ryan crazy in the process. 

Sam - Mommy is going to do her very best to work on being patient and calm and let go of control a little, not just in waiting for your little brother or sister, but in everyday life.  I may not be good at this everyday, but I promise to make you proud and try to learn from my mistakes.  I love you little nugget!