Guardian Angels

One month, our little angel has been with our guardian angels for one whole month already.  Ryan and I both have very special guardian angels up in Heaven, his mom and my pap.  As sad as I am these days, I smile when I think of our baby with them. 

My pap was my favorite person in the whole world.  My dad wasn’t really a part of my life growing up or even now, but because of my pap I never felt like I was missing out.  He loved me enough for 10 dads. My mom and I lived with my grandparents for most of my childhood and some of my favorite memories come from that time in my life.  Every night my pap and I would sing songs before bed.  My favorite, “You Are My Sunshine”.  He taught me how to play softball, helped me with all my school projects (ok sometimes did them for me because he was a perfectionist), let me ride the tractor with him to mow the lawn at camp, we did everything together.  I looked up to him because he would do anything for anyone and was the glue that held our big family together.  In 2002, he lost his battle with cancer.  I can hardly believe that this summer it will be 10 years since we said goodbye.  I still miss him everyday and always will.  I know that he is taking such good care of our baby now singing him songs, teaching him games, letting him help out in the yard and even him a little bit about creating mischief. 

I never had the opportunity to meet Ryan’s mom and I wish everyday that I would have met him a few years earlier so I could have gotten the chance to know her.   I love hearing stories of Susan and how much she loved her family and friends, how she was a great teacher, mother, wife and friend.  I know she loved to host parties, find great deals shopping and traveling.  I also know from her battle with cancer that she was a very strong and courageous woman.   I know that she also is taking such great care of our sweet baby.  He is the best dressed kid there, gets lots of books read to him, says his prayers every night and gets smothered with hugs and kisses. 

There are many days where I get so angry at the universe because I feel like I’m being teased.  Everyday I walk to work and see more pregnant women than I ever noticed before, there’s new babies and cute baby bumps all over Facebook, pins all over Pinterest of baby and nursery ideas, and even when I try to escape in a gossip magazine it seems every celebrity on earth is pregnant.  I’m obviously not angry with all of the pregnant women.  I wish them nothing but happiness and good health.  It’s just a constant sad reminder of what I don’t have, a happy healthy baby kicking in my belly.  It’s in these moments that I remind myself that even though my baby isn’t with us anymore, he isn’t alone.  He has more love than any little baby could ask for right there with him in Heaven.  For that I am thankful.