Friday, April 13, 2012

Should Be


I’ve been living in the land of “should be” lately.  Yesterday, I should have been starting my 28th week.  I should be in my 3rd trimester.  I should be in the home stretch.  I should be starting birthing classes, looking for a pediatrician and planning my maternity leave at work.  I should be picking out nursery furniture and a color to paint the walls when we close on our house in a few weeks.  I should be going to my baby shower on Saturday.  I should be stocking up on diapers and baby supplies.  I should be complaining about my back hurting or how hard it is to sleep as my belly grows bigger.  I should be counting down the weeks until I get to meet and hold my little one.

All of the “should be’s” also make me think of the things I shouldn’t be doing. I shouldn’t be trying to lose 3 inches and 5 lbs of stubborn weight that won’t go away. I wasn’t supposed to be worried about baby weight until I had my son in my arms.  I shouldn’t be enjoying drinks with friends.  I shouldn’t be planning on going on vacation in July.  July I should be delivering my son. I shouldn’t be going to my son’s memorial on Sunday.   I shouldn’t be sad everyday, but the reality is that I am.  I will carry this sadness with me everyday.  Reality really sucks!

2 comments:

  1. I found your blog from Faces of Loss, faces of hope. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sweet, sweet Sam.
    My youngest son, Noah passed away last July at ten weeks old from a congenital heart defect.

    Sending you ton of peace and love.

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  2. Thanks Bettina. I'm so sorry for your loss of Noah. Tons of peace and love right back to you.

    ReplyDelete