Should Be

I’ve been living in the land of “should be” lately.  Yesterday, I should have been starting my 28^th week.  I should be in my 3^rd trimester.  I should be in the home stretch.  I should be starting birthing classes, looking for a pediatrician and planning my maternity leave at work.  I should be picking out nursery furniture and a color to paint the walls when we close on our house in a few weeks.  I should be going to my baby shower on Saturday.  I should be stocking up on diapers and baby supplies.  I should be complaining about my back hurting or how hard it is to sleep as my belly grows bigger.  I should be counting down the weeks until I get to meet and hold my little one.

All of the “should be’s” also make me think of the things I shouldn’t be doing. I shouldn’t be trying to lose 3 inches and 5 lbs of stubborn weight that won’t go away. I wasn’t supposed to be worried about baby weight until I had my son in my arms.  I shouldn’t be enjoying drinks with friends.  I shouldn’t be planning on going on vacation in July.  July I should be delivering my son. I shouldn’t be going to my son’s memorial on Sunday.   I shouldn’t be sad everyday, but the reality is that I am.  I will carry this sadness with me everyday.  Reality really sucks!