Relationships

For anyone that hasn’t gone through the loss of a child, being there for someone who has can be a scary prospect.  I’ve been there.  There have been a few people in my life that have lost babies prior to me losing Sam.  Looking back on it, I know I didn’t always say or do the right thing out of fear that I would only make the person feel worse or more sad, or just due to the sheer fact that I didn’t fully understand what they were going through.  In hindsight now, I wish I could go back and do a lot of things differently. 

Sam has brought me closer to quite a few people over the past 7 weeks.  I’ve always valued my friendships and loved my friends and family, but losing Sam has amplified that love.  I feel a deeper love for my family and friends.  So many people have been there for me, loving me and supporting me along the way.  I keep hearing about my strength and courage, but I think it also takes a lot of strength and courage for my friends and family to be here for me during this time when it’s hard to know what the right thing to do or say is.  I’m lucky to have amazing people in my life to hug me a little longer and tighter these days.  I’m lucky to have a best friend that will travel 500 miles to spend a couple hours with me on one of the saddest days of my life.  I’m lucky to have a mom that has been there for me everyday taking care of me, whether in person or over the phone just listening.  I’m lucky to have a father-in-law that will stop at a turnpike stop just to give me a hug and make sure I’m okay (we happened to be driving past each other randomly).  I’m lucky to have a  bestest cousin that will patiently listen to all my crazy rantings and just agree with me and isn’t afraid to ask me questions about what I’m going through.  I’m lucky to have friends and family that will check on me and remind me that I’m strong and can make it though this storm.

Sadly, I’ve also questioned old relationships.  I’ve had my sadness compared to other’s sadness, when there is no comparison.  I’ve felt the deafening silence of no words at all from friends and family I thought I had a better relationship with.  I try not to be angry about these things because it may be they don’t know what to say.  It still disappoints me though and I can’t help but distance myself from these people a little.

I have also distanced myself from friends that are expecting.  I feel intense guilt that I can’t be the friend I should for them, but it’s just too hard.  Even though I’m happy for them, it’s too hard to see the happiness and to see everything that I should have but don’t.  It’s too much of a painful reminder of my loss.  It makes me question too, “Why me?” while they are probably thanking God that they aren’t in my shoes.  Who can blame them either; I would be thanking God everyday for my healthy baby if that were the case and would not wish these shoes on anyone.  My fear is that these relationships will forever be different.  I just pray that one day I’m strong enough to be there for them again.

The most normal I have felt in weeks though was last night.  I had dinner with a friend who is also a baby loss mom.  For the first time I was able to sit down and talk to someone else who knew exactly what I am feeling and has been through similar emotions and fears.  I finally felt like I could speak freely and nothing I said sounded crazy because the friend sitting across the table from me had felt the same emotions.  I have no idea what the future holds for me, but this friend inspires me.  She has shown me that while the pain will always be there; there is happiness and hope in the future.