Sam's Things

I didn’t realize how many things we had accumulated for Sam until I opened the box of things we packed up 3 months ago today.  He was already spoiled by his parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles.  He had a small library of books, all ready for mommy and daddy to read to him.  He had his first Halloween costume (a monkey) and first Christmas sleepers all lined up.  He had his first Steelers, Eagles, Duke, Penn State and Phillies outfits ready and waiting.  He had his very own Kermit just like Daddy did when he was little and a pile of other toys to play with. 

Even though the room that was meant for Sam will be a guest room the closet in that room will now be deemed the “Hope Closet.”  Hope that someday Sam will have a little brother or sister that will be able to put all his wonderful things to use.  Hope that someday his little brother or sister will snuggle with Kermit and read each book over and over again.  Hope that one day mine and Ryan’s hearts won’t hurt quite so much, our arms won’t feel so empty and we’ll be able to love a child here on earth.  

It’s weird the things that make me cry and the things that I can surprisingly handle.  I didn’t cry when I unpacked all of Sam’s things and put them in the closet.  It felt like I was placing them exactly where they belong.  I did cry this morning in the car though listening to the Brad Paisley song, “Anything Like Me.”  He sings about finding out he is having a son and how he’s in big trouble if he’s anything like him.  It’s a sweet song by a dad.  It made me so sad.  It made me think of how I would have loved to watch Sam grow up and be just like his daddy.  When the song was over, my moment of tears was over too.  I know a lot of people have been worried about me lately, but I’m okay.  There are happy moments, okay moments, moments of sadness and moments where the tears come.  All I can do is take the moments as they come and keep putting one foot in front of the other.