Happy-Sad

Happy-sad is new word I’m adding to my vocabulary.  I think it best describes most days.  I’ve spoken a lot about it when I refer to hearing of a new pregnancy or a new baby being born.  Happy because it’s a wonderful and exciting event but sad because it’s a reminder of what I’ll never have with Sam.  It seems to apply to everything these days.  I can’t escape a single day without the feeling of sadness even though other things make me happy.

Yesterday was a huge happy-sad moment.  Ryan and I closed on our first house.  It’s happy because it’s our new home and we can build our lives there and make lots of memories.  We can’t wait to have family and friends over and celebrate holidays there and sit on our back deck in the summertime and just enjoy life.     It’s sad because it already feels empty.  I was pregnant with Sam when we found the house and knew right away that this was the home we wanted to raise our son in.  We had already decided which room would be Sam’s.  I want so badly to be planning his nursery, picking out his furniture and hanging all his baby clothes in his closet.  It breaks my heart that there will be no nursery, just another guest room.  I’m scared beyond belief that we’ll have this big home with lots of rooms for children and never get to fill them.  Since we lost Sam I’m no longer full of optimism and positive thoughts.  I now carry a plan for the worst mentality that I can’t quite shake.  In the past I would have been like a kid at Christmas knowing that we were closing on the house, but that’s not me anymore.  I didn’t have faith that the house would be ours until the keys were in our hand and we started unloading boxes.  With Sam I didn’t think anything other than that we would be bringing him home with us in July.  I wish I could have better prepared myself for the worst, but how can you?

I know this post sounds totally negative, and I’m trying my best to be less negative.  God is making it a little difficult though with whatever his plan is.  Countless people have told me over the past couple months that God has a plan.  It’s kind of starting to bug me because currently his plan seems to be to hang a black cloud over my family.  First, we lost Sam.  Then on the day of my surgery my grandmother had a heart attack.  And on Sunday, my aunt and uncle that I’m very close to were in a motorcycle accident.  We are so very thankful that circumstances aren’t worse, but they are both still in the hospital with multiple injuries to each of them.  I don’t think my heart or the rest of my family’s hearts can take much more breaking.  I’m having a hard time keeping the faith right now. 

On a positive note, how can I not be somewhat happy sitting on the balcony in Fort Lauderdale looking out at the ocean?  Being on any beach is one of my favorite things in the world, even if I am here for work not fun.  The sound of the ocean relaxes me.  I’ll feel even better once I have a chance to get down there and stick my toes in the sand.