10 Years

I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since my Pap left this earth.  He was the glue that held our family together and I wish more than anything that he were still here with us.  I wish I could sit down and talk to him.  I wish I still heard the clink of ice in his Smurf glass; the smell of Pepsi will always remind me of him.  I wish I could walk out to his garage and watch him working away in his wood shop.  I wish that Ryan and all my cousins’ husbands and wives had the opportunity to know him.  I wish he were here to play with all of his great grand-children.  I can picture him laughing and inappropriately teaching them “pull my finger” and “full moon.”  I wish his time on this earth hadn’t been limited to 73 years.  I was barely an adult when he left and some of my cousins were still pretty young.  Call me selfish, but I would have liked more time with him.  We all would.  More time to tell him how much he meant to me, more time to make memories, just more time.

Pap loved to sing the Unicorn Song by the Irish Rovers.  It always made me laugh and smile because it was such a silly song.  I hope he and Sam are chasing lots of unicorns together in Heaven.  I love you Pap!


Unicorn Song

A long time ago, when the Earth was green
There was more kinds of animals than you've ever seen
They'd run around free while the Earth was being born
And the loveliest of all was the unicorn

There was green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
The loveliest of all was the unicorn

The Lord seen some sinning and it gave Him pain
And He says, "Stand back, I'm going to make it rain"
He says, "Hey Noah, I'll tell you what to do
Build me a floating zoo,
and take some of those...

Green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
Don't you forget my unicorns

Old Noah was there to answer the call
He finished up making the ark just as the rain started to fall
He marched the animals two by two
And he called out as they came through
Hey Lord,

I've got green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but Lord, I'm so forlorn
I just can't find no unicorns"

And Noah looked out through the driving rain
Them unicorns were hiding, playing silly games
Kicking and splashing while the rain was falling
Oh, them silly unicorns

There was green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Noah cried, "Close the door because the rain is falling
And we just can't wait for no unicorns"

The ark started moving, it drifted with the tide
The unicorns looked up from the rocks and they cried
And the waters came down and sort of floated them away
That's why you never see unicorns to this very day

You'll see green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
You're never gonna see no unicorns

Now you might think this is the ending to the song,
But I'll have to tell you friends that in fact you're wrong
You see, Unicorns are magical, so when the rain started pouring,
They grew themselves some wings and they took to soaring.

You'll see green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
But if you're looking for the unicorns, don't be forlorn,
The second star to the right and straight on until morning.

1st Wedding Anniversary

The biggest thing I have learned from my first year of marriage is that sometimes things are totally out of your control.  Never in a million years did I think Ryan and I would face such devastating loss in our first year of marriage.  We planned to start trying to conceive in the Fall when Ryan was almost finished with his MBA program.  Much to our surprise and delight we got pregnant with Sam right away.  All of our dreams were coming true.  Ryan was about to complete his MBA, we were enjoying our newlywed life in the city and we were getting ready to start looking for our family home in the suburbs.  

In February, life threw us a major curve ball.  The loss of Sam has changed us both.  As much as I could go back in time and do something to save Sam, to keep his little heat beating the experience of losing him has made us stronger.  We are stronger individually and stronger as a couple.  We are both better people for having those 5 short months with Sam.  He will always be our first, he will always be in our hearts and we will miss him everyday for the rest of our lives.  

Sometime grief can overshadow the good in life.  It becomes all consuming and you can easily get lost in it.  I know sometimes on here it can seem like I don’t see the good in life, but I do.  Aside from losing Sam this year, we have been very blessed.  We celebrated our wedding day with all our family and friends on a beautiful day.  We traveled to Palm Beach for our “mini-moon”, relaxed at the pool and enjoyed our time together.  Ryan traveled to Russia and Durham for school.  We got to enjoy our yearly trip to Myrtle Beach with the family.  We had the joy of seeing that little pink line telling us we were going to be parents.  We felt total happiness in sharing our news with our family and friends over the holidays that we were starting our family.  We were blessed with the overwhelming amount of love and support of all of our family and friends over the past 4 months after losing Sam.  Most recently we purchased our very first home where I have faith that we will on day get to raise Sam’s little brothers and/or sisters here.

I am very blessed to have found such a loving, supportive and caring husband.  There is no one else I would want to walk through this messy life with.

Father's Day

For the first time in 10 years I was actually looking forward to Father’s Day.  I was looking forward to the possibility of Sam arriving a little early and maybe Ryan getting to hold his sweet baby boy on this day.  Or the possibility of us celebrating Ryan’s first Father’s Day anxiously awaiting his first son’s arrival.  It breaks my heart that neither of those are reality.  For those of you who know my husband, know he is the sweetest kindest man.  He is the best daddy ever to Sam even though he is in Heaven.  I know he misses him everyday and he does such a wonderful job of taking care of Sam’s mommy.  Ryan will also make a wonderful daddy one day to the beautiful little babies God someday blesses us with here on earth. 

It will be 10 years on June 26^th since my Pap, my father figure left this earth.  I still miss him everyday and can’t believe that a decade without him has passed.  I imagine him and Sam today having a grand old Father’s Day celebration up there in heaven complete with Pepsi in Smurf glasses and big huge bowls of Breyer’s chocolate ice cream.  Cheers boys!

I’m sending lots of hugs and kisses up to you both!!!  xoxo

Samuel's Sunset

I don’t have much to say this week.  I guess that is a good thing because the words tend to flow more easily when I’m having a tough time and overwhelmed with emotions.

I do want to share a site that I came across a few months ago that I really admire.  Carly and her husband started Christian's Beach after losing their son Christian.  6 nights a week Carly visits the beach and writes the names of other babies that cannot be here on earth with their mommies and daddies in the sand at sunset in Australia.  She then photograph's it and posts to the site.  She is also focused on other projects that bring awareness to pregnancy loss.  If you are interested you can visit her site Carly Marie Project Heal.

I greatly admire Carly’s strength and time she has dedicated to helping baby loss momma’s like me feel supported and less alone. All of this is done in memory of her little boy.  Mostly,  I can’t begin to thank her enough for Samuel’s beautiful sunset.  

What I Learned From My Reiki Treatment

All but 1 of my 7 chakras were blocked! 

Nancy, the Reiki Master explained this all to me, but when I got home I had to do a little more research.  For those, like me that don’t truly know much about chakras here is a 7 Chakras for Beginners website.

The most obvious one to be blocked for me was the Heart Chaka – our ability to love.  There are a lot of things I can relate to that can block the heart chakra:  fear, rage, feeling stuck and being afraid to let new things manifest. 

The second chakra she talked about with me was the Third Eye Chakra – our ability to focus on and see the big picture.  It can be blocked by a need to control things, which I’m well aware of and have never felt so not in control of things lately.  I am also having a hard time being positive about what will happen in the future.

She also said that my Crown Chakra – our ability to be fully connected spiritually was tentative about opening.  This may have something to do with my faith in God, but I really think I’ve been trying to work on that at least a lot more than I did in the past.  We’ll call this one a definite work in progress.

The most concerning was that my Throat Chakra – our ability to communicate would not open.  I told her about my blog and how open I have been and it surprised her that considering I share my feelings with anyone that will listen. It still remains closed.  I did however; confess that there are certain things I hold back on the blog.  That doesn’t mean I hold them back when talking to Ryan or my mom or certain friends, but some things I’ve held back on here as to not hurt peoples’ feelings or to protect myself.  There is one thing in particular that I know I need to work on, just not on my blog.  It can also be blocked by keeping secrets, which I hate to do and can see how that could cause a blockage because frankly secrets stress me out.  So, my goal now is to get this chakra open!

The good news is that my Root Chakra – our foundation and feeling of being grounded was open.  This makes sense to me because it is also linked to our survival instincts and having survived the last 3 months without Sam I have faith that I know how to survive, how to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other.  I’m not perfect at it, but all things considered I was happy to hear this chakra was open.  If this chakra is healthy, we are centered and have a strong will to live.  

Overall, it was a relaxing experience.  I learned a lot about chakras that I never knew and I plan on working on keeping them open.  I think I’ll most likely go back.  I’m wondering if my hunch is right on how to open my Throat Chakra.  My plan is to work on that and hopefully when I go back Nancy will tell me all my other chakras stayed open and she was able to open my Throat Chakra.  

Is this for everyone?  Probably not, but I would recommend trying it if you are open to it.  I don’t think it would work otherwise.

New Experiences

Lately I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety.  Anxiety over not knowing why Sam died, anxiety that it will happen again in the future, anxiety over strained relationships, anxiety over news of new pregnancies and  births, anxiety over pretty much anything these days especially if it’s something out of my control.  

Exercise hasn’t really helped much.  I’ve thought about seeing a therapist, but considering I’m willing to talk off anyone’s ear that will listen I’m not so sure that would help.  Yoga and massage therapy, maybe?  In my search for a local yoga studio I came across a studio that also practices other treatments in addition to yoga.  One in particular jumped out at me because when I was reading a pregnancy loss book shortly after Sam died the author has a chapter discussing the benefits of this treatment.  At the time it didn’t come across as something that could be helpful to me.  I was still deeply immersed in the shock and denial stage of grief.  Today when I started researching the treatment I thought maybe this is something I am ready to try.

So, I’m taking a total leap of faith and going for a Reiki Treatment on Friday afternoon.  I know this sounds like something I would never try, but putting my faith in something new may be just what I need.

What is Reiki?

Reiki is a spiritual practice developed in 1922 by Japanese Buddhist Mikao Usui, which since has been adapted by various teachers of varying traditions. It uses a technique commonly called palm healing or hands on healing as a form of complementary therapy and is sometimes classified as oriental medicine by some professional medical bodies. Through the use of this technique, practitioners believe that they are transferring universal energy (i.e., reiki) in the form of ki through the palms, which allows for self-healing and a state of equilibrium.

What happens during a Reiki Treatment?

During a Reiki treatment, the receiver is fully clothed.  The Reiki Practitioner channels Reiki by placing the hands directly on or above the person.  The Reiki Practitioner serves as a clear channel for the flow of Reiki from the Universe to the client.  Reiki flows quite naturally when the hands are placed on or near the client's body.  Reiki assists in re-establishing balance in the body and stimulates the body's own innate wisdom to heal.  Reiki will help to reduce pain, release past and present negative energies, and promote healthy change. It helps calm the emotions, induce relaxation and restore peace. 

There are also five principles of Reiki.  In reading these principles they are all things I need to work on embracing.  

1.        Just for today, I will let go of anger

2.        Just for today, I will let go of worry.

3.        Today, I will count my many blessings

4.        Today, I will do my work honestly.

5.        Today, I will be kind to every living creature.

~ Dr. Mikao Usui

So, until Friday!  I’ll keep everyone posted on how this all works out.

Alternate Universe

Every week I find myself wondering what each new week would bring if Sam had never died.  In that alternate universe, I would be 35 weeks now.  How big would my belly be?  Would I be exhausted?  Would I be able to sleep at night?  Would the extreme heat be killing me?  According to Baby Center, Sam would already be over 5 lbs and getting so big that his days of doing somersaults in my belly are nearing an end.  I would be starting to go to the doctor every week now, thinking about a birth plan and getting my hospital bag ready.  Would we be finished with the nursery?  Most likely yes since we are the kind of people that need to get things done.  We would even have painted Ryan’s old caboose toy box and changed it to “Sam’s Express” by now.  We would be in the home stretch to bringing our little boy home with us.

Oh how I wish I lived in that alternate universe.  The reality is, I’m not 35 weeks and I won’t be bringing my little boy home.  Instead, everyday I look for little glimpses of him and signs that he is always here with us.  This week beautiful yellow flowers started to bloom in our front yard.   Mommy loves you Sam!