Alternate Universe

Every week I find myself wondering what each new week would bring if Sam had never died.  In that alternate universe, I would be 35 weeks now.  How big would my belly be?  Would I be exhausted?  Would I be able to sleep at night?  Would the extreme heat be killing me?  According to Baby Center, Sam would already be over 5 lbs and getting so big that his days of doing somersaults in my belly are nearing an end.  I would be starting to go to the doctor every week now, thinking about a birth plan and getting my hospital bag ready.  Would we be finished with the nursery?  Most likely yes since we are the kind of people that need to get things done.  We would even have painted Ryan’s old caboose toy box and changed it to “Sam’s Express” by now.  We would be in the home stretch to bringing our little boy home with us.

Oh how I wish I lived in that alternate universe.  The reality is, I’m not 35 weeks and I won’t be bringing my little boy home.  Instead, everyday I look for little glimpses of him and signs that he is always here with us.  This week beautiful yellow flowers started to bloom in our front yard.   Mommy loves you Sam!